One would think that every pot has its lid. What if you're just a wok? I went on searching after answers in the city of broken hearts.
So here we are, Saturday night end of summer, dance music blasting, a big crowd of people outside in a garden setting, drinks are flowing, people chatting, dancing, enjoying life as much as we possibly can. And as I look around i see people looking to meet someone, meet someone new, exciting, someone to spend the night with or even more. So we smile, we approach, we present a fun, better version of ourselves, We connect, on a level that is enough and plays in our comfort zone. Cause we are not ready to settle for anything more than tonight or the next 3 months maybe…
BTW i had a Date planed for tonight, that didn’t happen. Don’t ask, you don’t wanna know! So here I am at a club. I look like a snack, I am serving you mesh, see trough black cat suit. I made wavy hair, put on leather over knee high heels and with my Tom Ford Perfume smelling like a fresh cut out peach….
Message to X
Aber genug von mir, kommen wir zurück zur eigentlichen Handlung! Nach einigen Gesprächen mit ein paar Männern, bemerke, nein erinnere ich mich daran, dass ich eine Seltenheit bin und die meisten Männer hier nichts für mich sind. Währenddessen hat meine Freundin einen Typen getroffen und nachdem sie mit ihm rumgehangen, getanzt und geredet hat, beschließt sie, mit ihm heim zu gehen. Also hole ich die Jacken und in diesem Moment leuchtet mein Handy auf. Jemand hat auf meine Instagram-Story reagiert. Er ist es! Wir schreiben schon seit ein paar Jahren, aber ich habe ihn vielleicht nur insgesamt fünf Minuten live gesehen. Der Vibe ist auf Instagram ist definitiv da und wir fühlen uns offensichtlich zueinander hingezogen. Also stehe ich da, mein Gehirn schreit auf: „Es ist 4 Uhr morgens. Schreib ihm, er soll zu dir kommen, die Nacht mit dir verbringen. Gehe ein Risiko ein!“
And i do! I text…
„Was machst du? Willst du zu mir kommen? Ich bin grad dabei den Club zu verlassen.“
*Notification sound* Right away
"I am at a party, a girl is hitting on me, I wanna leave."
That was not quite the response I was waiting for….
I text „Is she hotter then me?“
*Notification sound*
„Nein, ist sie nicht, und ja, ich will rüberkommen, schick mir die Adresse“
Well Ok, this was spontaneous and quick.
Time for the two of us
20 minutes later, we are in my apartment, laughing, tipsy having a good time. We talk till sunrise, and do everything that grownups do. He tells me about his dating life, I about mine, we even agree that we both feel sad for women that are attracted to Cis men, cause they suck. *loud laughter* We even talk about heartbreaks, how it messes someone up, how you are scared about letting someone into your life and how long it takes to recover and be you again. He stays almost till the next evening till he leaves. And i know we will meet up again, just don’t know when and how long this "when" will last. I also don’t care, because to be honest I am emotionally not really available and I don’t know what attachment means. It’s just how I learned to live life like that, having temporary fun, enjoying someone and having a good time. I made peace with this a few years ago. My advantage in that case is, that I can not get my heart broken. Cause it was already broken but i glued it on together, so that I have more love for my family and friends and that satisfies me.
So when he leaves I get up and meet up with my friend to talk about the tee from last night. She tells me the guy she was with told her right away he was not over his ex and that this is the first time being with another girl. For her it didn´t matter, because she was also not really over her ex. Into the conversation we realized we had the same conversation topics with our dates last night, and the answers we got were similar.
City of broken hearts
So who is actually happy in their dating life in this generation? If we have someone, we are not happy with them, if we are single we are also not really satisfied with how that is going. We look out for something without attachment, but that is also not enough. And there it is, it just lightens me up. We are all just broken hearted from another person and we are trying to feel a connection with somebody else. We feel something for someone, but are not ready to settle down. Maybe that person doesn’t want us, but fact is that we are trying to fill in that gap, that someone left open. I am not different, I am not special, no one of us is. Me and you we are just one of the people in this city of broken hearts, trying to put the pieces together with the things we got. Other broken hearths give each other comfort but not what we actually need. For how long this will work? Are we ever gonna heal? Is this even good for us? I don’t know and maybe that’s the only thing that I don’t know… But what I know is that I am looking for comfort. Even for a day. And that is definitely enough for now.
Yours truly Stef
